Ouchie, but getting back on track

Well, it’s been a while since my last post and for that, I apologize.  I have been dealing with a good deal of pain and whatnot.  My doctor poked and prodded me to reach the conclusion that I have Fibromyalgia.  This diagnosis is certainly better than what she thought I might have had:  Lupus or Rheumatoid Arthritis.  We are in the discovery phase, which I like to call, “Wheel of Meds.”  It’s hit and miss and we won’t know if my current regimen of scrips will work for another 6 – 8 weeks.  I have struggled for about seven years to figure out what was going on with my body and have repeatedly mentioned my symptoms to my former doctors only to have them tell me it was a virus, or side affects from my anxiety meds, I was depressed, etc.  While Fibromyalgia can have a psychological component, it isn’t the only component.  The pain I feel is real and it’s nice to have a great doctor who really listens and knows what it’s like.

On to other things like getting my eating and discipline back on track.  For the past month or so, I have become lazy.  I don’t dump and once I found out I didn’t, my sweet tooth and sugar addiction went in to full force.  Yes, I am a sugar addict and I need to take my own advice:  MODERATION.

In addition, I haven’t been paying attention to this blog or to tracking my food.  This is going to change starting NOW.  I have to be disciplined about this or else I’m going to become a statistic:  gaining weight after having Bariatric Surgery.  I am going to go back to tracking my food on the Daily Plate and posting something here at least once a week.  These sort of things keep me in check and help prevent me from going overboard.

So, if you are reading this and have gotten a bit off track, it’s time to get back on it.  Your success depends on it.

Where the hell have I gone?

Well, it has been a VERY long time since I have posted here.  Before I tell you why, here’s a little catch up on my life:

  • Spent the two days before Thanksgiving in the hospital because we were trying to determine why I was having excruciating pain in my stomach region.  Thankfully it turned out to be a virus.
  • Homeschooling my son was NOT working and I had to find him a new school.
  • I started cosmetology school and was kicking ass at it when I injured my knee…again.
  • I had surgery on both of my knees- clean up cartilage and cutting of the ligaments to my knee caps to correct alignment.
  • A wicked bad jaw infection.
  • A family issue that has now been cleared up and will be best for all involved.

That’s it in a nutshell and those events aren’t what has kept me from blogging.  So, what’s my deal?

To be honest, I’m not that thrilled with my RNY.   I knew that I wouldn’t be able to take NSAIDS for my arthritis prior to surgery, but I was told that the weight loss was going to “be a miracle” for my knees.  Guess what?  It hasn’t.  I have been in more pain post-surgery that I have ever been.  No miracle here, just more pain and lots of interrupted sleep (sometimes no sleep) due to the difficulty in managing my pain.

When the pain gets really bad, I second guess my surgery and wonder if I just should have skipped it and continued to lose weight the way I was doing prior to it…a vegan diet.  However, that weight loss was slow…sssssllllooooowwwww.  I needed results for my knees ASAP or I was going to end up in a chair within a year.  I get angry because I haven’t been able to enjoy the results of my weight loss by going out and doing things I never could do prior to surgery.

This pain gets in the way of the most basic of functions- playing with my son, contributing to housework, working, etc.  Hell, I can’t even sit for too long, much less stand for any length of time.  Right now, I’m angry and sad that the life I was told I was going to have post-surgery just isn’t going to happen. While I am grateful for the weight loss (45 pounds since September), I am upset that it isn’t as much as it could be because I am so limited with my mobility.

So, I am working on accepting my body and my life for what it is.  It isn’t easy that’s for sure.  I am getting back to blogging and participating in support forums like that of BariatricTV (really the best Weight Loss Surgery forum out there) in hopes that sharing my journey and helping others along theirs will help me reach that point of acceptance.